My wife was a pastor’s wife before she was my wife. Well, not really. But she did begin this job while we were still engaged and I was a part-time youth pastor during our last year of college. So for the last twenty-four years she has served the church in a role for which there is no job description.
She once said to me, “You know, Jesus was never married. Paul was not married. We don’t read anything about the other apostle’s wives. There may be a reason for that.” At first, I thought she was making a not-so-subtle suggestion that I try this pastor gig on my own, but that was not her intent. What she was saying is marriage and ministry can make an odd couple.
All of us have our challenges, but the wife of a pastor is in a unique place. Here are nine insights about your pastor’s wife that you may find interesting:
Your pastor’s wife loves Jesus and you, and is committed to making disciples.
Your pastor’s wife does not pray or read Scripture in public very often, but she does love Jesus and she walks with him. She is not the pastor, but from an overflow of her relationship with Jesus, she loves her church family. Although she may not connect with you as personally as either of you would like, she loves what God is doing in your life. Although you may not see her at every event, she is very active in the work. And although you may not know what she is doing, she serves the body of Christ because she deeply loves him and you.
Your pastor’s wife hears a lot of information, but not as much as you might think.
A pastor’s wife has access to her husband, and logically that means she has access to what he knows. But in the normal day in and day out, a pastor may not share everything he knows or experiences with his wife. Like many husbands, I do not always communicate well. At other times, I do not share the details from every situation that demands my attention. Either way, your pastor’s wife knows a lot, but probably not as much as you may think.
Your pastor’s wife invests in the ministry, but her responsibilities are unique.
Because my wife walks with Jesus and God has called us to serve together, I confide in her. Her prayer, insight, and wisdom help me. And I often make decisions based on her counsel. Any pastor would be wise to do the same. But the role of a pastor’s wife is limited. There are other people involved. There are circumstances in play beyond her reach. So while she is an advisor, confidant, and encourager to her husband and while she adds tremendous value to the church, a pastor’s wife is not responsible to shepherd the church. She has significant, but entirely unique, responsibilities that serve the cause of Christ.
Your pastor’s wife serves as a volunteer…sort of, kind of.
By the grace of God, we have never served in a church where anyone shared explicit job requirements for a pastor’s wife. I have heard of that happening. But in every church there are implicit expectations for her. Those expectations are based on what the previous pastor’s wife did or what people think a pastor’s wife should do. Wherever the expectations originate, they exist. That is just part of the role, but you should know that a pastor’s wife serves according to her unique calling and giftedness. She serves because she loves Jesus and wants to be a part of his mission. And, like you, she often serves in ways that are unseen and uncelebrated.
Your pastor’s wife knows your pain, but is not always in a position to help.
When a church member divorces her husband, a pastor’s wife knows about it. When someone loses his job, she knows. When a man suffers a heart attack, she often hears about that too. Your pastor’s wife is not all knowing, but she does hear a lot of bad news from a lot of different directions. The news feed is constant and diverse. Most people do not expect a response, but early on in our ministry, the weight of watching others hurt while we were able to do little to help took a toll. Over time, however, we learned to pray and trust God for the results. We learned that hurting people sometimes hurt the people who try to help. We also learned that God has not called us to fix everything, but to love people and leave them with the Lord. Your pastor’s wife does that as well as anyone I know.
Your pastor’s wife balances family, community, and church priorities, but never perfectly.
The glass of the pastor’s house is a little more tinted than it was a generation ago. While they still live under a certain amount of scrutiny, most people know the pastor’s family is fairly normal people with normal challenges trying to juggle priorities like everyone else. So while your pastor’s wife serves her neighbors and connects in ministry, the best thing she does for the church is serve her husband and children.
Your pastor’s wife respects her husband, but does not always agree with his decisions.
Do you ever get frustrated with your pastor? Do you ever think he missed it? That’s funny, because so does your pastor’s wife. But unlike you, she cannot just go to lunch and leave it all behind. She has to go home with him. She has to share a bathroom with him. And she has to live with the consequences of his decisions. Those consequences may be without any real effect, but at other times the results are personal and even painful. Yet she loves, forgives, prays, and perseveres. And she never stops believing the best about what God is doing through the life and ministry of her husband.
Your pastor’s wife gets wrapped up in the pastor’s life.
When things are good at home, the challenges at church are easier to take. But when the marriage is stressed or the kids are struggling, we bring that to church. On the other hand, when ministry hurts, we take that pain back home. When there are problems both at home and church, well, that just stinks. Church is not always a refuge for a pastor’s family. Very often, it is a spiritual battlefield. And while some people can bail out of church when things get tough, the pastor’s wife does not have that option. She has a responsibility to show up even if she is spiritually or emotionally depleted. For her, friendships, financial security, and family life are all wrapped together in this calling on her husband. The God who calls is perfect, but the people he calls are not. So a pastor’s wife can only serve by God’s grace because she is most fully sustained by God’s grace.
Your pastor’s wife makes friends slowly because some people are not prepared for friendship.
We all build friendships in our own way at our own pace. But the interesting dynamic for a pastor’s wife is that many ladies in the church like the idea of a friendship. So early on in the tenure of a pastor, “friendlys” reach out. Most are well meaning, some are not, and it takes time to figure it all out. But time does not actually distinguish between friends and “friendlys.” Trials do that. Pastors are often the targets of criticism, and when the complaints roll in, people who thought the idea of a friendship was cute roll out. So do not be surprised when your pastor’s wife takes her time to make friends. Her patience will serve you, the church, and her sanity well.
My wife happens to be an amazing pastor’s wife, but she did not learn be a pastor’s wife at pastor’s wife training school. (There’s no such thing.) She is an amazing pastor’s wife because she is a humble lover of Jesus. Loving me is hard work. Serving the church as a pastor’s wife is not for sissies. But her devotion to King Jesus frees her up to do just that with dignity, joy, truth, and grace to build up the church and advance the Gospel to the ends of the earth.
So take a moment to thank God for your pastor’s wife today. Whether her husband is the lead pastor, or a worship pastor, or a groups pastor, or a lay pastor, reach out to her in genuine friendship. Ask her about her life. Give her your loyalty and love. And most of all, pray for her. She will be better for it, you will be better for it, and the church of the Lord Jesus will be better for it.
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